As a New Yorker, I’ve become acutely aware of vermin. We’re always careful about bed bugs, always on the lookout for roaches and of course, nothing quite compares to the sight of one of the dog-sized rats that roam the subways and sewers. Yet, in all my years I’ve never faced an infestation quite as abundant or persistent as the bots which have been overrunning the Magic Kingdom these past few weeks. With this threat imminent, I decided to study them, follow their movements, gather why they were here in the first place. Before it’s too late, I decided to attempt to understand the not-illusive-Bot.
First of all, we need to understand where Bots come from.
Bots were invented by Syndrome as a means of causing chaos. Originally, his plan was to have them destroy everything so that he could swoop in and save the day. Above, you will see the Mother Bot. She learns with each encounter she faces, has a nearly impenetrable shell and does not like the device which controls her. While she is large and menacing, there is only one of her. It is her minions that do the dirty work of creating havoc.
There are two types of Bots that I’ve seen in the wild so far.
To the left, we will see the Claw Bot. this seems to be the most easily built bot as it always seems to be in production and several of them can invade the castle grounds at once. No resolve. No mercy.
To the right, we have the harder to spot Cannon Bot. These bots are more prone to showing up now and then to flex their fiery arms and march slowly. Because of this, one might assume that Cannon Bots are the males of the species, flexing and showing off their strength, while Claw Bots are the females, actually doing all the hard word and frequently asking park goers for directions.
Bot Habitats and Motivations
Bots, while seemingly mindless, have many likes and dislikes. Below I’ve attempted to analyze some of these strange behaviors.
Bots LIKE gathering in groups. Perhaps they gather for warmth. Perhaps they gather because groups of them appear more menacing. Perhaps they gather for a Checkers tournament but no one brought the board…or the checkers, and now they are forced to trample around angrily until someone comes up with an alternative means of enjoying one’s Bot life.
Bots LIKE other Bots. I believe Bots have an innate sense of ‘Smell’ which allows them to locate other machinery. This means that they frequently hang out with the resident robot of the Magic Kingdom, WALL-E. Invited or not, his house seems to be where everyone will be spending Thanksgiving this year.
Bots LIKE hugs! But DISLIKE when they don’t get them. While their movement might seem like crazed spinning as a means of upsetting the natural order, I’ve researched them for some time, writing in my journal as a peak at them from behind a pretzel stand, and I’ve come to realize that what they are really trying to do is hug.
Yet, when no one reciprocates that love, they are overcome with emotions that are too great for their small Bot minds to handle. Rage spirals through them, and as a result, they spin.
One other theory I’ve been testing is that, like dogs while being walked, they spin in place before going number 2. This theory is still in testing as I have yet to find any Bot duty in the kingdom. Perhaps I will go looking for piles of stray bolts left unattended.
Bots LIKE exploring. Yet they DO NOT LIKE doing this together. Bots often go searching for new places to hang out, but I fear that they are worried they will be judged by fellow Bots for their inquisitive nature. Thusly, they go searching by themselves.
Bots LIKE Schedules. It’s true. Bots, much like wizards, arrive precisely when they mean to. They like to stay on schedule and be on time. This is why there is always a countdown to their arrival. They like to be expected and they like to be welcomed. They are punctual and expect no less from their hosts.
Bots LIKE anyone who seems to understand their way of life. For example, below you will see the Bots have found another being which also spins as a way of dealing with its complex emotions.
What do Bots Want?
In all my time spent following the bots, I have found that perhaps we’ve been wrong about them. Perhaps they just want love and the companionship of other bots. Perhaps, like Ariel the Little Mermaid, they just want to be where the people are. Perhaps like Quasimodo, they simply want to be out there, living in the sun. Perhaps, rather than tapping on them to destroy them, we should be hugging them and allowing them to finally come to terms with the beautiful Bots that they are. Perhaps Bots are just in search of a little bit of love.
Yes I’ve just received word from NASA. It appears I may have been wrong. It seems Bots are actually evil villainous monsters, sent here by Syndrome to take over our land and eat all of our churros and burgers. They have no remorse. They feel nothing.
Welp! Guess it’s back to poking them in rage every 30 minutes to an hour!