Hello all and welcome to a most lovely tour, in parts of course, of the most magical kingdom in the land. Often times, I get asked about my Kingdom. Do you farm? Do you have space for everything? Who picks up all of the duck poop? Last week I found myself on a plane and in that time, I redesigned my entire park. No more farms. No more odd things in odd places…well, sort of. So now, for your viewing pleasure, welcome to my kingdom. Oh won’t you stay a while?
We start off our journey with the most magical gateway in all the world. Sure, it allows you into the Magic Kingdom, but it also serves another purpose. Upon leaving, it transports you to a strange alien planet where Disney fanatic aliens trade valuable technology for Disney paraphernalia, such as Mickey hats and Churros. Though this portal is hidden to the naked eye, you will notice that no children ever escape the Kingdom. Once they have traded their goods, they are gently, for the most part, returned to their homes where they will dream of candy, Mickey Mouse and strange alien dance moves until the end of their days.
Moving on, we find ourselves in the central circle where a statue of Walt and Mickey stands in beautiful gold which shimmers in the sunlight. One thing many folks down’t know is that the statue is actually made out of pure honey. That is why butterflies are so prone to visit this section of the park. They are simply looking to feed their rather large butterfly appetites. While other characters were banished from the Kingdom by the darkness brought by Malificent, Winnie the Pooh was actually escorted off the premises. For this reason, the future mission to bring him back will include all the steps needed to nullify a restraining order.
Awe yes, the majestic castle in the center of the Magic Kingdom. While it’s simply gorgeous, it also serves the dual purpose of being able to upgrade characters in the Kingdom so that they are more powerful and can accomplish even bolder tasks. Level up Mickey high enough and he’ll be able to attempt the daring deed of playing fetch with Pluto. Goofy may seem not that important, but with some powerful upgrades he can dare to defy authority by eating a sandwich for eight whole hours! Sending your characters to the castle could have all sorts of amazing results! I encourage you to try it often.
At long last, we arrive in Toon Town, a lovely little village where Mice and Ducks alike are granted homes where they are free to live their lives. Here is a pleasant town, where tea parties are enjoyed often and cakes are left out in the sun to melt. Fishing is the sport of the day and Daisy’s is always serving up a cold drink and some tasty treats. Sadly, Daisy’s restaurant hasn’t been doing so well which has resulted in her walking the streets inviting folks to come buy something for hours on end. Often times, she can be seen outside searching far and wide for any customer who might come in so that she doesn’t have to close down shop.
Curiously, although Mickey and Minnie, as well as Daisy and Donald are married, we find that they prefer to live separately. All of them have very good reasons for this. Donald prefers to sleep in a boat, which helps him rock to sleep. Daisy, however, gets sea sick. Mickey snores and Minnie sleep walks. Thus, these creatures have found that their marriages are best handled by staying as far away from each other as possible. See folks, they aren’t so different from us after all!
Just up a ways, you’ll find the dogs living a dog eat dog life. Living so close to a normal dog has caused Goofy to lose a bit of his sanity as he questions his existence. He’s found that the best way to counter this is by listening to and playing loud music at all hours of the day to drown out the terrifying thoughts of his own mortality. Pluto is less inclined to hysteria and spends much of his time spinning in circles or taking naps.
Welcome to the land of toys! Perhaps you fashion yourself a visit to Jessie’s or maybe, like many of the toys, you like to head to Al’s Toy Barn for hours on end and do, well, we’re not so sure what they all do there. Rumor has it that Bo Peep is running an underground poker game which many of the toys have started taking part in. However, it seems that Hamm is the usual winner as he spends much of his time counting coins.
Much like the actual parks of Disney, as we come to the backside of Toon Town, we see that the scenery starts to change just before Tomorrowland. Race cars and space battles abound as we lift off from the old west. Even Minnie likes to try some target practice with Zurg. This, we are told, helps her with her extreme anger issues at having to wear uncomfortable yellow shoes at all times. Also feel free to grab a burger or pretzel while you’re here. Your stomach will be glad you did, while your cholesterol levels will scream for mercy at the hands of your poor choices.
As we come around the Incredibles Way, we find the mighty Omnidroid standing guard. It’s one of the most exciting thrill rides at the park and Fastpasses are always sold out. Sadly, it breaks down often on account of the Omnidroid being fussy. After all, as droids go, he’s a young’un still and hasn’t learned to mind his temper. Take a ride here if you dare and don’t forget to pick up your commemorative sorcerer hat if you manage to survive the ride.
Aw, the quaint home of The Incredibles. Why, look here, it seems Mr. Incredible is showing off for us. You would think that the golden statues outside his home would be enough, but no, he feels the need to lift a car repeatedly. He’s simply so heroic, or possibly just a big show off. Either way, next door is one of our newest attractions, the Jetpacks. It’s a lovely little spinning ride that’s great for the whole family.
Aw yes, Mr. Incredible has reminded me to ask that you look down at how amazing his muscles look from above while riding. Yes yes, we get the point. You’re hot stuff. Go back to lifting. Ahem. Where were we?
We end our journey through Incredibles Way with two more rides which are sure to delight the whole family. You might also notice Frozone littering by throwing bottles behind him. That’s right Frozone, who needs to protect Earth when heroes like you are here to do the job for us. After all, we can’t very well have global warming with a guy like you on the case. You teach that environment who’s boss! Make sure to pick up a Frocone and get a little sugar boost while you’re here. Don’t worry, they’re 100% not natural.
We end the first part of our tour with the lovely California Screamin’, a fantastic roller coaster which is sure to get your sreamin’. Actually, the coaster at our park was named for the way that Rex screams while he is on the ride. Everyone else seems to think it’s quite tame. We hope you’ve enjoyed journeying the first part of our park here. Make sure to let us know what sorts of attractions you’ve got in Toon Town below. Farewell until next time folks!